Forget the 'one' - what you should look for in a partner

Movies have us fixated on finding ‘the one’. But the whole concept is ridiculous. If everyone only has one person destined for them then how likely is it you’re going to bump into them in a world with a population of 7.4 billion? Plus if you think you’ve found “the one” and it doesn’t work out, are you destined for a lifetime of loneliness? For a long lasting relationship you need to get past this idea of ‘the one’. Nobody is going to be perfect. Once you’ve moved past the honeymoon period there are going to be things you don’t like about your partner, however, there will still be so many good points to enjoy. Whether or not your relationship works is largely to do with what you choose to focus on. They aren’t going to be ‘the one’ if you obsess over the negative points. With all this in mind it’s important to figure out what you should be looking for in a partner.

The Art of Conversation

Look for the one that listens to you and you want to listen to them. If you aren’t interested in what they’ve got to say or you feel that you’re voice isn’t important to them, then it’s not a good start. Conversation will help your relationship stand the test of time. You’re not going to have a great relationship 100% of the time. There will be things that test you such as babies, moving house, if one of you loses your job amongst many more. You may not even be able to pinpoint it; you could simply just feel differently about the relationship. This doesn’t mean it’s over or they aren’t the one. It’s just a phase and it can’t be awesome all of the time. If you can talk about it and are open and honest you can work towards overcoming the low points and enjoying the high points.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

When looking for a partner, it’s essential that you are happy with your own life first. Don’t go looking for someone to fill a void and make you happy. This sort of dependency on someone is not a good basis for a relationship. It’s not their job to make you happy, you should already be happy to allow you to enjoy time with this person. This will help you see whether they have the qualities you want in a partner rather than just looking for someone to make you happy. It’s not a long term solution for one person to need the other to make them happy. They should also be in the same frame of mind as you can’t spend your life trying to please someone. Making sure you are complete before entering a relationship will give it the best chance of success. Choosing someone who is also complete is a big step in finding a great partner for you. It’s good to have balance in your life. Therefore it’s important to make time for your relationship whilst also balancing work, family and friends.

Life is Better When You’re Laughing

Looks will fade whereas a sense of humour can help you go the distance. They don’t have to be a comedian but being able to laugh at themselves and share light hearted moments with you is a great quality. With so many serious moments in our lives it helps to have someone who can see the brighter side with you. Love the sound of their laugh and wanting to hear it no matter how ridiculous it might be. Laughing is so good for you, it makes you feel great. It’s contagious and can help you overcome any negative feelings. Laughter makes you fun to be around and can help dissipate tension. Of course if there are major issues in your relationship then these need to be addressed. However, humour can help ease pressures on your connection so it helps to be present in your relationship.

Evolve With Your Relationship

Naturally people change and I hear so often that, ‘oh it wasn’t working, he/she changed’. Well of course they did, we get older, and we change. But it’s not really a valid reason not to give your relationship a chance. A couple I know have just been through an awful separation. For 15 years you would’ve thought they were the perfect couple. For 15 years she has always been happy with her partner going to the pub for a couple of hours on a daily basis. However, when they became grandparents she changed and wanted to be home and doing the family thing. He wanted to be a part of that too, however, still wanted to go to the pub like he always had. Her reason for the split was that he had changed but in reality she had changed what she wanted from the relationship. It had all been great for 15 years and when things weren’t going how she expected, she ended it. As both people change the relationship evolves. Work with it, not against it. Opening up lines of communication is the best way to appreciate this change and figure out how to move forward.

Without Trust You’ve Got Nothing

You need to be able to trust your partner. We are naturally quite intuitive so listen to what your body’s telling you. If you feel you can’t trust someone then it’s a recipe for disaster. On the other hand if you struggle to trust people then you need to address these issues. If a person hasn’t given you any indication that they aren’t trustworthy then it’s unfair to subject them to your own insecurities. You should both be open with one another no matter how vulnerable this makes you feel. Unfortunately sometimes we do get hurt but not putting trust into a relationship doesn’t help. Learn to trust and if you require extra help with this then make it happen. A relationship can’t thrive without trust. If there are issues surrounding trust but you both want to make it work relationship counselling is always an option in this scenario.

Be a Team

Find someone that will support you in your endeavours no matter what they might be. Your partner shouldn’t hold you back from anything. This should also be reciprocated and you should inspire each other to grow and push out of your comfort zone. It could be that you want to pursue a new career, start a course or work on your health and fitness. These are all positive moves that you may wish to take to better yourself. A good partner will support this, however, be open to questions. If it’s going to affect the income and changes need to be made then you need to accept that it’s your partner’s decision too. There may need to be some compromises to make your dreams happy and to keep your relationship harmonious. Working on your own personal goals is great but they also need to fit in with your life with your partner. You’re on the same side so you can work as a team to make each other’s dreams become a reality. By building each other up you are helping build a healthy relationship. It’s important to balance a strong work ethic in both your career and working on your relationship. This should also be true for your partner.

Can You Feel It?

Whilst you want them to have a great character you should be in tune with how you feel. You should feel chemistry between you and feel naturally drawn to them and them to you. In this way your relationship should be on an even playing field with both of you giving and taking from the relationship. If there’s nothing there you can’t force it. There has to be some attraction there to build a relationship. You might be compatible in theory but it could turn out that you were just meant to be friends. A good example of this is when people are set up on blind dates. The well intentioned friend may think these two people were meant for each other but without chemistry there’s no basis for a connection. On the other hand you may be attracted to each other but they may not display the other characteristics that provide a foundation for a successful relationship. This might suit in the short term but finding a partner for the rest of your life needs other attributes to maintain that connection.

There’s a difference between finding a good partner and ‘the one’. ‘The one’ is not a realistic goal as nobody is perfect. Don’t be strict with your criteria as a good partner may not necessarily tick all the boxes. Think about what is really important to you in a relationship and work towards finding someone and work together on that connection. There has to be an attraction but it’s not the only thing that make a relationship work. Look for great conversation, humour, supportive nature and trustworthiness. However, you need to also be happy within yourself first, open to changes your relationship may go through, be trusting and supportive. There has to be balance and compromise from both parties for you to go the distance. Forget about finding ‘the one’, they don’

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